There are many things in this world that can be called cruel... But if I would have to name just one I think of as the most terrible of all of them... I would name hope.

Hope is always there, making us believe in things that cannot be, promises things that can't be kept. The biggest liar in this world is our very own heart. And we have no other choice as to believe what it says, which makes it all the more painful.

It whispers, letting you believe, letting you hope.
All the time.

Again and again we fall for it's lies.

No matter how dire the situation, no matter how terribly the experience you're about to make, as long as you are alive it will be there, telling you of sweet dreams, of cotton candy-like futures.

The human spirit has to be broken down completely, taken apart till not even the innermost core is left, to be able to give up hope. You could call it our operating system, the base of every other emotion. After all, we walk through this world hoping for the best. We count on it, we believe in it. Like a religion. Like... a god.

But... to be without hope... is not something you can call living anymore. It is more like waiting for the next day, the next minute, the next breath or heartbeat. Only that you're not caring for it. It just happens and you'll start waiting for the heartbeat after the one you just waited for. Everything that happens just happens, everything - may it good or bad - will just pass. You see everything around you with the same terrible indifference...

You see the world pass by and you won't notice it. It can be compared to a station... You sit on an edge or a bench, watch train by train arrive, open it's doors, you watch people ascend and descend, watch the train close it's doors again and depart soon after. But non of those trains is yours. You see the people around you waiting, hurrying to the next gate, buying a snack for the travels ahead... but you just sit there.

Without those promises that are never kept... we are not able to keep living.

So... Is it a good thing...? Or is it bad...? I know I hate it for the lies and love it for the promises. And I think I understand why hope of all feelings has it's place in the box of the pandora.

An question I hear a lot. Many seem to dislike the thought that I'd rather prefer the company of an electronic device than of a living person. A living person - as I am told - would be so much more. But... on the other side, living beings ask such questions.

They do what they want to do because they like it, love it, don't want it any other way. I wouldn't dare to ask others why they do things only with the goal to make them giving it up. There is no greater motivation for someone than the simple thing called fun. I might not understand what the fun is in sitting in a stadium and watching 22 players fight over a ball. I might not understand what the fun is in lying in the sun all day and going home with a massive sunburn. I don't know why others like the beach or why they want to drive expensive cars. I don't want to spend whole days finding the best color of shoes to my dresses (not that I have any).

All those things and many more are not fun for me. But I wouldn't dare to make others give it up, only because I think it's not worth it.

After all, they love it.
So, why should I try to take away something that makes them happy?

I could tell them that it makes me happy to live with my head in the clouds. I could explain the thrill of the battles, the almost painful anticipation I feel right before the final fight starts. I could try to make them see the pride I take in every achievement that is said to be hard or even almost impossible.

I would love to explain the exhilarating feeling when you find a small piece of something you searched for. The happiness when you won a battle that lasted for hours. There is no feeling that can be compared to the one I feel when the cast starts to roll. And there is nothing like the one when you press start for the first time and open the door to that other world, ready to forget that there is still a thin layer of glass between you and that other reality.

I could tell them about the forests with their colors and temples with their chiseled pillars, about the caves with their crystals and the mountains with their thin, snowy paths. I could tell them about the statues or ancient kings and rulers in the cities, about the stained glass windows in the highflying airship. About the sounds of the wind when wings beat and the chime of swords clashing against each other. I can tell them what the heart of a dragon or the cries of a phoenix sounds like.

I could tell them of epic tales, of never ending fantasies that came true, of myths and legends. I could tell them so many stories, some funny, some sad, some short enough to tell in a few minutes, others too long to tell on only one evening.

I could tell them all those things, explain all those things. But I won't.

They don't ask to understand. They ask to show me that they do not want to understand. They would like to hear something they can turn against it, want to show me that it's not worth the time I'm spending with it.

I don't know what to say to such people.

After all, the only difference between my memories and theirs might be, that there is that thin layer of glass that separates the worlds.

I'm planing to throw out a lot of stuff from the scraps. But since there were some complaints the last time I did that I'm asking you all if there are things you absolutely want me to keep.

Oh, and I'll move a bit of the other drawings to the scraps.

Another Problem is again the amount of messages. Sry if I take long to reply. I will reply if there is anything to say to it at all! Don't think that I'm not reading! Just don't have that much time for it right now. TwT
___

As for my life here... Finally cleaned up the cable chaos in my flat. Looks good now, less chances to stumble over that stuff. ^^''

And I'm still waaay too many hours/day on Crisis Core. I love those missions and now that I have the *safety Bit* I can finally do those missions with those darn death-casting gargoyles! *slaughters them*
Uhm... if you have any tips for those gummi-ball-enemies please tell me. ^^'' I know it's embarrassing but I get messed up by a bunch of bouncing orange balls!! Oo'' Life's hard, especially to Zack.

Oh, and I love the Cactuar Summon.
Go. Watch. Now. [link] I died laughing when I saw it (and if you die laughing in a bus the people tend to stare quite a bit. ^^''' )

Oh, and Bahamut Gold finally showed his true colors! NOW WE'RE TALKING! I keep loosing against him but that fight's finally fun! *keeps getting one-hit-killed by Sentai-Bahamut* ^^'

Today's my birthday. 6th of June. And first thing today after I got up was to get a call from my father! I haven't heard from him in ages! I'm just so happy! Sometimes it only needs a small thing to let the world seem ok and even perfect for a short while.

I had been in a rather strange mood yesterday.

I was thinking... how can I be sure that I will be the same person tomorrow? I will change and maybe in a way I would dislike now if I knew. Only one day makes not a big difference, but it does make some. So, in a year a lot can happen. It doesn't even need a whole year to make a different person out of me. I have encountered things and experienced events that made me change my ways of thinking, my way of living in only a few seconds.

So, how can I be sure that the change of that seemingly simple number in my age will not affect me in a way I might dislike?

Actually I can't be sure at all. Maybe - one day - I might be what I dislike now. It wouldn't even be the first time. I don't know what the drachenmagier from 10 years ago would say about the me of now but I take she would dislike me just I dislike her. She was too easily fooled, too trusting in way too many ways and didn't really think a lot for herself. I on the other side am not interested in most of the things she thought as important. I don't care to be perfect or being a figurehead for the people I called family. I love to draw because I love the feel of the brush in my hand when I mix the colors, the slight scratching noise a hard pencil makes on the rough surface of cheap paper. I don't love it anymore because it's a good thing to do while being silent and as low-key as possible. I even do it because I stand out while drawing. I changed. And I will change some more. That's the way things are.

I once heard that you have to be proud of what you will be in the future.
So... hello, myself-from-10-years-ago. Are you proud of what I made with the things you made possible for me? I don't think so. You had plans which I can still remember quite clearly. I think non of those plans was realized.
But I'm happy now. So what is more important? Being happy in the present or knowing you will find perfection in the future?

I think I prefer not to know anything about even the next day. After all, this is what makes the future something special: No one can really know what is to come and change it. We all can only work on our present selves to make a better future with our own hands.

So, hello, myself-from-yesterday. Yes, you changed and I'm not you anymore. But I think I like my now-self. And today I think... you would like me too.

"Reto lost his mommy! He's waiting here at the security so please pick him up!"

A common message in shopping centers. One you tend to hear almost daily if you life in a city and most of us wouldn't even give it a second thought. But one phrase I would never have guessed to hear at a convention. Especially not on a convention about Japanimation.

But I had a lot of other things to do then. So, I left Reto to wait for his mommy and went back to talking to many people I haven't seen in ages, stuffing myself with chocolate whenever I felt that I got tired (kept the blood-sugar on an absolute max that way since I had no access to coffee ^^'' ) and had fun. A lot.

Even I was surprised about how much fun it was! Normally, with so many people around I do not know I tend to need breaks quite often. After all, I'm not that what many would call social. ^^'' But not so with the people there.

It's just a great feeling when you know that you fit in. It's all I could ever wish for and it's too bad it only lasted for 48 hours. But that way I enjoy it even more.

I think I missed about almost everything I was interested in because I couldn't get myself to leave those friends I haven't seen in a long time or because I was too powered out from speeding through the 3 levels of the building. But regrets? No, not me. Movies can be bought. I'm just happy that I made it in time for the start of the cosplay!! I would have kicked myself darn hard if I would have missed that one!! Good thing and my luck that it started about a half h late.

After all, I was rooting for a friend with an awesome Sora-Cos from KH2! (see foto). I think the best moment in the whole convention was, when I went home on the evening of the first day and he and a few others decided to tag along. They were hungry and the next McDonalds was close to the main-station and therefore on my way. So we went there all together. And some - like him - in full cosplay. (foto on bottom of journal. Couldn't figure out how to make it do what I wanted to do it so it's on the bottom. ^^'' First of the pictures )

The looks on the faces of those who walked past us were... priceless!! I think I was beaming like a madwoman.

I know that he has an account on dA... Why can't I find it right now...? Bah, I'll find it for sure. But not right now.

Later announces over the message system seemed to indicate that Reto still hadn't found his mommy... Took quite a while for her to get there. Oo

Oh, and painting on skin is quite strange. I drew the tatoo of Revi on the second photo on the bottom of the journal (Black Lagoon, cossed by my friend

I think for a 10-minutes-job, the tatoo turned out quite well. ^^

I think I've spent too much money... I'm still trying to figure out where to place the new Trading Arts and Toys I bought... Darn, I haven't even unwrapped Vincent! Ok, I have to confess that I already have quite a few figures of him but still. TwT

Ok, the moment they announced Retos death and condoled over the messaging system, telling his relatives to come and pick up his mortal remains in the lost-and-found-box it was clear that it had all been a joke from the beginning.

So, after sleeping and getting my blood-sugar on a normal level again, I can only say one thing about it and those line might be more fitting than anything else:

This was a triumph!
I'm making a note here:
"HUGE SUCCESS!!"

It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.
(whole song here: )
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For anybody who would be interested in the total of my photos: You can download them here. ^^
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